


Real Life

by my_mad_fatuation



Series: London Calling [2]
Category: My Mad Fat Diary
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-31
Updated: 2016-03-31
Packaged: 2018-07-14 06:51:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,884
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7158203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/my_mad_fatuation/pseuds/my_mad_fatuation
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The gang are back home and real life is finally catching up with Rae. If she is going to have anything with Finn, her secrets have to come out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Real Life

It had been two days since she returned from London and Rae hadn’t heard a thing from Finn. He’d hugged her goodbye at the train station before her mum drove her home, but he’d hugged everyone then. She was starting to think that maybe their kiss wasn’t something special after all.  
“Are you sure?” Chloe had said when Rae had told her about the kiss.  
“Am I sure what?” Rae replied.  
“That he kissed ya,” said Chloe. “Are you sure it wasn’t a dream?”  
“Of course it wasn’t!”  
“Alright, well, maybe it was like, I dunno—I mean, he had had a lot to drink, right? We all had.”  
“What are you implying?”  
“It’s just, some people get more affectionate when they’re drunk, it doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”  
“Oh, so there’s no way that he could have meant it, is that what you’re saying?”  
“Babes, come on. I don’t mean that. You’re wondering why he hasn’t said anything to ya, so I was just speculating, that’s all.” She rubbed Rae’s shoulder. “Come on, we’re all meeting up in a few, so you can talk to him then and sort things out, ‘right?”  
Rae heaved a sigh but got up and followed Chloe. “Aren’t we going to the pub?” she asked when they turned down the wrong street.  
“No, we’re going to the chippy to grab a bite.”  
It was too late for Rae to turn back now. The rest of the gang was already there when they arrived, and Chop and Izzy were just bringing a couple orders of chips over to where the other boys were seated. Chloe and Rae sat down with them, Rae sitting across from Finn self-consciously.  
“Alright?” he said to her with a nod.  
“Yeah, fine,” she said, barely making eye contact.  
Chop shoved one of the orders of chips down towards their end of the table. “Dig in,” he said.  
Rae stared at the chips for a minute. She could feel saliva forming in her mouth but also bile rising up her esophagus.  
“Rae!” she heard Finn say.  
She snapped back to reality. “Hmm?”  
“I asked if you wanted any ketchup.”  
“Oh, uh, no thanks. I’m not hungry.”  
He eyed her suspiciously before she added, “Actually, I’m not feeling all that well. I think I’m just gonna head home.”  
“Here, I’ll walk with ya,” Finn said, shoving one last chip in his mouth before getting up from his seat.  
“You don’t have to do that—“  
“It’s no trouble.”  
She sort of didn’t want him coming with her because she actually was hungry and wanted to go home and eat, but also she figured it might be better to talk to him in private rather than in front of everyone.  
But they didn’t talk. They walked all the way back to her house in silence. It was agony.  
“Well, thanks for the walk,” she said when they reached her doorstep.  
“Can’t I come in?” he asked.  
“You want to come in?”  
“Just to use the toilet, yeah?”  
“Oh, right, sure.” She unlocked the door and let him inside.  
She stood in the front hall waiting for him to leave so she could finally eat something.  
“Why aren’t you eating yet?” he said when he came back downstairs.  
She frowned at him. “I said I wasn’t hungry—“  
“Yeah, but I thought you were lyin’.”  
“Why would I lie about something like that?”  
He shrugged. “I don’t know,” he said, walking into the kitchen. “I’ll make you something. What have you got?” He perused the contents of the refrigerator and cupboards. “D’you like eggs? I make really good eggs.”  
Before Rae could even answer, Finn was searching for a frying pan. He found one and pulled it out, setting it on the stove and turning on the front burner.  
“You don’t have to do this,” she said.  
“Well, I’m going to eat, even if you won’t. Go watch something on the telly; I work better alone.”  
“I bet you say that to all the girls,” she retorted.  
He found a spatula in one of the drawers and pointed it at her. “Piss off!”  
She did as he commanded and went into the living room to watch some TV. He called her back in ten minutes later, when he had set two plates on the tiny kitchen table.  
He’d made the kind of eggs that were inside a hole in the toast, and the yolk still looked nice and runny. She thought it looked fucking delicious, but was hesitant to eat it with him watching her. But then she noticed that he wasn’t watching her. He was looking at his phone while he ate, completely ignoring her.  
She surreptitiously tore off a corner of her toast and stabbed at the yolk until it oozed like blood from a wound. That was her favourite part.  
He still wasn’t paying attention to her, so she took a bite. Damn, it was good.  
“Not to put you on the spot or anything,” he said when she was nearly done, without looking up from his phone. “But why is it that you can only eat while I’m ignoring you?”  
She finished chewing her mouthful and swallowed, but it felt like a lump in her throat. “I don’t do that…”  
“Really?” He looked up at her and she froze. “I thought maybe you had a thing about eatin’ in front of people.”  
“I don’t know what you’re on about.”  
“Look, I didn’t want to bring it up in front of everybody, but I noticed that you don’t eat around us—in London I only ever saw you eat anything in the middle of the night, and it concerned me that you’re, I dunno, doing something stupid, I guess.”  
“Stupid like what?”  
“I dunno. You hear about these girls doing stuff like starving themselves for no good reason and I just don’t want you to—“  
“Are you saying I look like I should be on a diet?” she said indignantly, shoving her plate away.  
“God, no, Rae, please!” He appeared panicked. “I just, I wanna know what’s goin’ on with ya.”  
She lowered her head and covered her face with her hands, fighting back tears. She’d never told anybody before, but she hadn’t eaten in front of anyone besides her mum since she was eight years old, except for when she was in hospital.  
“You—You’re right,” she finally said, keeping her head down. “I can’t eat in front of people.”  
Finn rested his elbow on the table and held onto one of her hands. “Why not?”  
She looked at him. “You’re going to think I’m so stupid.”  
“I won’t, I promise.”  
“I just, I can’t win,” she began. “If people see me eat something unhealthy, they’ll think, ‘Oh, it’s not wonder she’s so big if she eats like that!’ But if they see me eat something healthy, they’ll think, ‘Who’re you trying to kid, love? You didn’t get to that size by eating salads!’”  
“Rae…”  
“It sounds stupid, but I know that’s what they’re thinking! I can see it on their faces!”  
“Rae, listen to me.” He held onto her other hand as well. “Ninety-nine percent of people do not give a single shit what you eat. Alright?”  
She chuckled a little as a tear rolled down her cheek.  
“And the other one percent can go fuck themselves.” He smiled at her. “I’m serious, Rae, nobody cares. You aren’t that special.”  
She chuckled a bit more.  
He reached across the table and brushed the tear from her face with his thumb. “C’m’ere,” he said, standing up, still holding her hand with his.  
She stood as well and he wrapped her in a hug. She pressed her face into his shoulder as a couple more tears fell. He turned his head and kissed her on the cheek.  
As he drew his head back to look at her, she started to worry. She worried that he was going to kiss her again, and that would be bad. That would be bad because it would mean he actually liked her, except that he couldn’t really like her because he didn’t even know the truth about her. He liked a lie.  
“Oh, hey,” she said, looking at the clock on the wall. “Don’t you have football soon?”  
He checked his watch. “Oh, shit, yeah. Thanks for reminding me.” He looked at her again. “Are you okay, though?”  
“Yeah, I’m fine. Go.”  
He squeezed her again before heading out.  
At least now he had an inkling of how mad she was, but he didn’t know the half of it. She was going to have to tell him if anything were to happen between them. But she couldn’t tell him before she’d told Chloe.  
***  
“You look so serious, Rae,” Chloe said when Rae came over to visit the next day. They were sitting on the floor of Chloe’s room, listening to music softly in the background.  
“Just thinkin’ about a lot of things,” said Rae.  
“Like Finn?”  
“What?”  
“Did something happen when he walked you home yesterday?”  
“No. I mean, not really. No.”  
“Oh, I’m sorry, babes,” Chloe added. “Maybe the kiss really was nothing.”  
Rae rolled her eyes. “That’s not what I was thinking about anyway!”  
“Sorry, go on, then.”  
“It’s just…” She took a deep breath. “You know how my mum said I’d been in France for the last four months?”  
“Yeah…”  
“I wasn’t actually in France.”  
Chloe looked concerned. “Where were ya?”  
“I…I was in the hospital. I’d been ill.”  
“How d’you mean?”  
“I tried to hurt myself.”  
“Why would you do that, Rae?”  
“I don’t know. I had a bit of a breakdown, I guess. Sometimes people just break.”  
“Rae…” Chloe put her arms around Rae’s neck and pulled her in for a hug. “You’re alright now, though, right?”  
“Yeah, I’m—I’m fine.”  
“Well, I’m glad you told me. I know that couldn’t have been easy.”  
“I’ve been thinking maybe I should tell the others, too.”  
Chloe winced. “I don’t know if that’s such a good idea.”  
“Why not? They’re my friends, aren’t they?”  
“Yeah, but they might not understand. They might treat you differently. You don’t want that, do you?”  
“I guess not…” said Rae. “But what about Finn?”  
“What about him?”  
“I have to at least tell him, right?”  
“He’s such a nice guy, though, aren’t you afraid you’re just going to worry him? He’ll treat you differently, Rae.”  
“I suppose,” Rae said slowly. “But what if he does like me? I can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t know the truth about me.”  
“Then maybe you shouldn’t have a relationship with him.”  
Rae felt wounded by Chloe’s words and tone.  
“I just mean, maybe he’s not the right guy for you, you know? Like, maybe there’s someone out there who understands better and won’t feel like you’re a burden.”  
“Are you saying I’m a burden?”  
“No, I didn’t mean it like that! I love you, Rae, and you’re not a burden to me, but that’s some pretty heavy stuff to dump on someone you barely know, isn’t it?”  
Rae didn’t like what Chloe was saying; it stung, but maybe that was because there was a ring of truth to it. “So, you’re saying I should keep my distance…”  
“For now, at least. Yeah?”  
“…Yeah.”  
***  
Keeping her distance was easier said than done for Rae. She was always hanging around with the gang, and the gang always included Finn. She kept trying to avoid direct contact with him at the pub, rejecting his hugs and avoiding his eyes.  
“A little birdie told me you’ve got an empty,” Chop said, pointing at Rae.  
She glared at Chloe. She had told Chloe earlier that her mum was away for a few days but asked her not to tell anyone. “No parties!” she said to Chop.  
“I’m not just talking any old party, I’m talking a sexy party,” Chop replied.  
“What’s a sexy party?” asked Finn.  
What Rae wouldn’t do to have a sexy party with Finn right now—but she couldn’t. “We’re not having a party!” Rae reiterated.  
“A sexy party isn’t as big as a normal party, Raemundo,” said Chop. “It’s very much an intimate affair.”  
She sighed and looked at the others who seemed keen on the idea. “Only if you guys promise to help me clean up in the morning,” she said. “And it has to be small—I don’t want the neighbours freaking out.”  
Chop flashed a gap-toothed grin and Izzy hugged her.  
The gang came over the next day to get set up for the party. Three hours early.  
After not-so-skillfully avoiding another hug from Finn, Rae pulled Chloe aside to talk to her. “I have to go,” Rae told her.  
“What? You can’t go!”  
“I’ve got therapy.”  
“Well, what are you gonna tell them, then?” Chloe asked impatiently.  
“I’ll just say I’m going to get more booze,” Rae replied with a shrug.  
The others seemed to like that explanation anyway.  
“Rae Rae,” Finn said, jumping up to talk to her. He held up his iPod. “I made a playlist for the party and I was just wondering if you wanted to look it over before I put it on. I know you like to think you have that superior knowledge of music and all.”  
Rae blinked at him. “Whatever.” Just as she was about to turn and leave she stopped for a moment. “Just, not ‘Spaceman’ by Babylon Zoo. I know you have a fondness for the nineties, but please.”  
“As you wish,” he said with a smile.  
She resisted the urge to smile back and instead grimaced before leaving.  
***  
Rae’s therapist asked her about her trip and she told him she had a good time. “Though one of the guys who was there… Well, I sort of fancy him,” she went on. “And I think he fancies me too, only…”  
“Only what?”  
“He doesn’t really know me, does he? He doesn’t know I was in hospital. He doesn’t know I hurt myself.”  
“And you don’t want him to know?”  
“I just don’t want him to look at me differently. What if I tell him and he thinks I’m broken and a mess—that I’m just a burden?” Her vision started to blur with tears.  
“Alright,” her therapist said, gently nudging the box of tissues towards her. “But what if he doesn’t think that? What if he thinks you are strong for living with this illness? What if he thinks you are brave for telling him?”  
“Why would he think that?”  
“Because it’s true, Rae. You aren’t broken and you aren’t a mess. I know you see yourself as fragile, but you’re tough. I mean look at what you’ve accomplished since you left the hospital. You’ve made new friends. You spent a week in London—“  
“Anyone can do that.”  
“No, lots of people couldn’t do that. Just because something is a struggle for you it doesn’t mean you’re weak.”  
“But what if he doesn’t see it that way? What if he doesn’t like me anymore?”  
“If he doesn’t like you for who you are then he’s not worth your time, is he?”  
***  
By the time Rae got back to the party, her house was packed. She gave Chop an earful but there wasn’t much either of them could do at this point.  
She went into the kitchen and saw Finn chatting with some pretty girl she didn’t know. She could feel her pulse intensify with jealousy, so she was relieved when Chop announced that he was starting a game upstairs for anyone that wanted to join.  
She followed him up where she found out the game he wanted to play was Spin the Bottle. Not Rae’s favourite.  
“You know he only organizes things like this so he can get off with someone, don’t ya?” Finn said with a laugh as he sat next to her.  
“I thought you hated Spin the Bottle,” she replied.  
“Normally I do.”  
“Now, this is Sexy Spin the Bottle,” Chop explained. “That means when it lands on you, you have to go into the landing cupboard together.”  
The others in the room oooooh’d.  
Rae was shocked when it landed on her first. She didn’t want to play this game. She winced as Chop took the bottle for another spin to choose her partner.  
Of course, with her luck, the bloody thing landed on Finn. She followed him out of the room and into the cupboard where they stood facing each other awkwardly for a moment.  
“Did I do something to annoy ya?” he asked her.  
“What d’you mean?”  
“I mean you’ve been avoiding me and pushing me away the past couple days. Is it because of what you told me? Because, I promise, I don’t think you’re stupid or anything.”  
“No, it’s not that. Not exactly.”  
“Well, then, what is it?”  
Rae looked away uncomfortably.  
“Look,” Finn continued. “I thought that after what happened in London, maybe you and I could… I mean, I thought maybe you would want… I like you, Rae. And I thought maybe you liked me as well, but now I don’t know and—“  
“I do like you,” she said. “It’s just… I need to tell you something.”  
“What is it?”  
“I—I mean, I’m not…”  
“Alright, lovebirds, come on out,” said Chop, opening the cupboard door.  
“Seriously, Chop?” Finn said to his friend, clearly irritated.  
“Having a good time, were ya?”  
“Come on,” he added to Rae, taking her by the hand and leading her out of the cupboard. He opened the first door he came to—her mum’s room—and told the couple who were in there making out to piss off.  
He shut the door behind them and sat on the bed next to Rae. “Okay, what did you need to tell me?”  
“I—I wasn’t in France this spring,” she said, her voice trembling with nerves.  
A look of concern was painted across Finn’s face. “What d’you mean?”  
“That was just something my mum told people so they wouldn’t know where I really was.”  
“Where were you, then?”  
“I was…in the hospital.”  
His eyes widened. “Are you alright?”  
“Yeah, I’m better now—well, not all better, but better than I was.”  
“If you don’t mind me asking, what was wrong?” he said.  
“I had a bit of a—a mental breakdown,” she said slowly. “I was having all these bad thoughts and I…I hurt myself.”  
“Is that…is that why your legs had those scars?”  
She nodded tightly. “I’m crazy, Finn” Her voice caught a little in her throat.  
“Do you still…want to hurt yourself?”  
“No.”  
“Then, it’s okay, right?”  
“What?”  
“I mean, everyone’s got stuff, haven’t they?”  
“You don’t…think I’m weird?”  
“Of course I don’t. Rae…” He trailed off as he wrapped his arms around her, resting his chin on her shoulder. “You’re not weird.”  
She tried hard not to cry—that would only make her a burden, which she didn’t want to be—but it was no use. Finn was just being so kind in a way she didn’t feel she deserved, and she started sobbing.  
He hugged her closer and rubbed her back.  
“You don’t…have to take care of me,” she finally said, pulling away. She wiped her tears onto her sleeve. “I don’t want to be a burden.”  
“Why would you think you’re a burden?”  
“Chloe said—“  
“Chloe knows about this?”  
“Yeah, I told her, and she said I shouldn’t tell you because I would just be a burden to ya—She said we probably shouldn’t be together because I’d just…”  
He had a sour expression on his face, which confirmed Rae’s suspicions that she was too much for him to deal with.  
“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you any of this—“  
“No, I’m glad you did,” he said, touching her knee. “It’s just, Chloe’s been all over me tonight so I figured she didn’t know that you and I…”  
“She what?”  
“Maybe I was just misreading things, but she’s just been leaning on me and touching me more than usual and I figured she must not know I fancied her best mate, y’know?”  
“To be fair,” Rae said through her teeth, “she didn’t think you fancied me. She thought you were just drunk when you kissed me.”  
“Ah.”  
“But she knew I fancied you, so…”  
“Oh. Oh! Oh…”  
“Yeah…”  
“So… You do fancy me, then?”  
She scowl-smiled. “That’s what you’re taking from this?”  
He shrugged playfully.  
“Well, you said you fancied me too, so we’re even.”  
“Alright, so…” he said. “What now?”  
***  
The party was winding down and people were starting to fall asleep—or pass out, depending on how you look at it. Rae grabbed a couple of duvets for her and Finn and they settled themselves on the floor of her room, surrounded by a bunch of unconscious people.  
“Listen, Rae,” Finn said quietly, edging his face closer to hers so he didn’t have to talk too loudly. “I want you to know you can tell me things, yeah?”  
“Yeah, I know that now,” Rae replied, pressing towards him until their foreheads met.  
She closed her eyes and felt his nose brush hers. She could feel the warmth radiating off his face as he moved closer, his breath filling the space between them. He angled his head slightly and continued forward until their mouths were barely touching. His lips parted slightly, just enough to pull hers in.  
“Didn’t get enough of that in the cupboard, did ya?” Chop said loudly as he entered the room, though everyone else was too drunk to be bothered by it.  
“Chop!” Finn whispered through his teeth. “What are you doing here?”  
“I’m looking for a place to crash for the night, alright? Don’t let me stop you two, though,” Chop replied as he climbed over the pair to lie down on the other side of Finn.  
“I’ll just leave,” said Rae, who was still pissed off at Chop for what he did in London.  
“I didn’t mean to interrupt—“  
“I bet you thing this is just hilarious, don’t you?” she said.  
He looked confused. “Why would it be hilarious?”  
“Because you think that Finn having to kiss me is so funny that it’s worthy of being a dare!”  
“No, I don’t.”  
“Yes, you do. Why else did you dare him to kiss me in London?”  
“Is that what you think—? No, I only did that ‘cause I thought he fancied ya but he’d be too chicken shit to do anything about it on his own.”  
“What made you think I fancied her?” said Finn.  
“The way you two were always flirting in the middle of the night, it was unbearable.”  
“I thought you were asleep.”  
Chop grinned. “You think a lot of things, mate.”  
Finn gave him a shove.  
“Look, I’m glad you two have sorted things out, and I hate to cockblock you, but y’are in a room full of people so maybe it’s best if we just all get some sleep, yeah?” said Chop.  
Finn quickly kissed Rae again once Chop’s back was turned before saying goodnight. She watched him close his eyes; he looked so peaceful and angelic.  
“Stop staring at me,” he said to her. He smiled but kept his eyes shut.  
“You wish, buddy.”


End file.
